pondering

i was to thinking the other day.

I need a hobby that i can do outside of warcraft and that doesnt need me to go out even when it is bitterly cold.

was talkin about my stories i am "working" on and that is a option. but another option is that i could look to learn to code the basics. I mean both of those are good but you know when you feel like you could do something that might improve stuff for you. Hell i have even considered going back to college to try and learn something new or brush up on something. that something i know what does need working on hehe or improved (it takes a big woman to admit something is wrong)i dont know I am at a loss.

a Couple of days later

I found out just before the funeral that the laptop deal I had signed for had been withdrawn. *sigh*

so I am saving now hehe.

The funeral was nice it was touching and I am actually glad I went. Thing is I still miss him alot and it hit me there what had happened. I sat talking with my nan on the way home and she brought up something I had completely forgotten about.

I used to have a budgie at my mums called Joey and when me and my sister went out in the garden my dad used to tie a little bit of string around the birds ankle and take him for a walk up and down the path. I know some might think it was cruel but I think to this day it was cute.

I need to sleep I got 8 hours since friday

Looking forward

Dispite the constant family wars that are going on

(and yes silvia I am aware you are probably reading this) I am sick of this rift I am fucking sick of people not discussing things with others. It is about time one of us actually said this but now is my turn to say it.

Grow the fuck up we are all adults here and yes its a stressful time for everyone right now and a bit of tact is needed as we are all drained.

I sit here typing this after a night of very little sleep again.

On the plus side I have a little darling of a laptop on its way to me wednesday :D My little lovely

Also congratulations to my little sis who broke some lovely news to me today xxx she is expecting a little kid :)

the day is fast approaching

The day I have been dreading ever since the news had broke about my father.

the funeral, I dont know why but part of me inside is actually trying to keep my brave front up and its actually getting harder now as the realisation is kicking in. I do have one saving grace which is I am keeping busy.

I know I have not slept properly in weeks and now the days are mergin. oh well i had better try and sleep before I choose to pass out at the keys yet again this month.

It Must go on

I know this is going to sound so cliche but I think to stop my own mind going absolutly crazy. I must start looking after me. I know thats wrong of my to say that given my current circumstances but I feel the time is right to kick start this attitude now.

There is no point in running around making everyone else happy when deep down inside you are as miserable as sin.

Heres to the future.

with a heavy heart I write this

As the title says.

I lost one of the most important men in my life today. What upsets me the most was I didnt get chance to say goodbye.

If there is one thing I took for granted as a child it was the fact that my father would always be there for me. Sitting here with litterally tears in my eyes as I write this, all I can say and I do know is he is going to be very very sorely missed.

I have regrets when it comes to my dad that we never actually spoke all that much but still had the same respect for each other always no matter how much of a bad choice I had made.

He had angina As did his father. He had died of two heart attacks and while the doctors tried to keep it constant they couldnt. He was admited on the 11/01 with chest pain and discharged that night. He was admitted again just after half past 8 where his situation got worse.

I have my memories and the photograph from when I was a toddler to keep with me but it wont be the same.

I want to give my thanks to all my friends who have passed on their best even though you might not think its much it means alot to me it geniunly does

I will leave you with this thought

Never take for granted those you love.

Depressed

Its been a while and not a fat lot has bloody changed.

Still deperesssed still the fact I feel trapped and the fact I seem to be closing the world out isnt doing me any favours at all. (hence the lack of facebook/twitter updates)

Acutually thinking that I want things to change I really do want to be happy again and right now even the smallest thing ticks me off and I cant do much about it! which again pisses me off even more.

Should I just go the way of a few people I know and sit with a bottle of wine every night (even though this I know isnt me)? or just pack everything up and run my gut is telling me to do the latter, Even though its gonna be hard but worth it. Even if it does take me back to Wolverhampton.

Also another thing that has gotten to me is freaking double standards. I got slated for streaming video off youtube as it was hogging the bandwith so I though yea ok thats fine and stopped. Heres the double standard we changed ISP to BT now I know this about BT they have a generous monthly GB limit but When the same person who complained about me streaming is downloading isnt that a bad case of double fucking standards or am I getting old.
To be honnest I hope bt do pull the plug will teach a lesson that is so damn needed!

On a tangent.

Jensen Button fucking amazing. Nice one about time after all these years you won it!!!